Stuck

There’s been a whirlwind of events lately. Each happening just one after the other, so fast a pace, that I haven’t had enough time to analyze and react to the events.

Too fast, too soon…that my emotions are stuck in the middle. I don’t know whether to smile or cry or be angry at the turn of things, so everything just got stuck. I just pray these gets fixed soon, the pain, such an enormous, throbbing pain that’s eating it’s way into my heart, is one of the emotions that I can’t seem to get rid of at the moment.

Musings & Realizations.

I sure took my time to learn this little lesson according to a good friend of mine, but better late than never right?

In the past months, whenever I had a particular love interest, out of fear and panic perhaps, I have been really cautious and keen about things, nearing the point of paranoia. One little thing would happen and I would be off to my friends, fretting and worrying, in need of their advice, opinions and analysis on the matter at hand.

I would be sighing and pouting, and asking about what move to do, what to say, how to act. I’m not proud of it but I was pretty much obsessive-compulsive about every little thing and did I succeed? Nope. And no, I’m not blaming any of the friends I asked advice from. If there’s anyone to blame in the failed interests, it would be no one else but me.

The advice, opinions and analysis they gave on my problems may have been correct for the situations they’ve experienced, but mine was a different thing. An advice can work for one person, but on his friend it may not. Because what they experience, although may be similar, are still two entirely different matters.  Even their perspectives on things are different.

I remember this one guy I had a little thing with. Back then, I did what I wanted. If I felt like texting him, I did; if I felt like teasing him, I would; and so on. And it amounted to something, he took notice of the efforts and I was rewarded with what I was yearning for, though short-lived it had been and the ending being on a sour note.

After that, possibly due to trauma and the fear of having such a horrible experience again, I became too uptight about everything regarding the love interests I had after. And whatever would happen, I reported and had my friends’ give their insights about what happen and what I should do next. The results that were produced were nowhere near mutual love.

Love, I don’t think that it should be something that you should try to study up on, to calculate on every detail to win the heart of someone. Science may help, experience of other people may help but sometimes those things may very well be the obstacles to having such a wonderful love.

Love is something spontaneous, coming when you least expect it, when you’re not looking nor waiting. But I’m not saying that my stopping on being obsessive-compulsive on things would instantly mean that I would win the love of my current interest, although I admit I am hoping, so sue me (kidding)! My over-estimation on things was taking the thrill out of the things I should be experiencing, learning firsthand.

To everyone who has received a message with the link to this blog post, I would like to thank you for having stuck with me throughout my previous endeavors. Sharing your time and patience (willing or forced XD) to give me advice, opinions and such on my love woes. I wouldn’t be where I am without you guys.

But now, I think it’s about time that I stood on my own. Although I would perhaps still need an advice or two from any of you guys in the future, I wouldn’t be the calculative worrier that I was in the past. And I will do my best to grow up, learn to stand on my own two feet and face things with a braver, better me.

Thanks so much everyone! *group hugs*

Much love,
Denise / Yuki

For some reason, I want to cry…

For some reason, I want to cry…All this time I’ve been supressing these tears and fooling myself that I was glad to be rid of something that has played a big part in this new world I have ventured into. I’ve been lying to myself and denying these tears, just so the misery wouldn’t sink in so much. So I would not be reminded of the pain I should be feeling about leaving because of the feeling of being unwanted, unwelcome and unrightfully there.

I left, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Because of the irreparable things I’ve done, and what I’ve received….the lack of warmth and familial welcome feel, I had to leave lest things get worse than they are, lest I be called upon with attention only to be given notice that I had to leave.

Twas difficult of a decision to make, and I’ve thought about it a hundredth or so times, and still I could not deduce whether it was wrong or right.

And when the day I had to leave came, I was nothing but a coward, with a mere peek at the door, I whispered my farewell, and ran off. For fear of questioning, comments of which could be consolatory, degrading, or perhaps both, also the fear that I would spill my tears and look pitiful, though I would never ask of their pity. I was too much of a coward to face such things, and could do nothing but run.

Now, months had passed since the incident, and still I could feel the tears threatening to spill upon my cheeks. Memories reminding me of the pain, the fear, coldness and indifferent voices. And my conscience, my guilt, pushing the questions “Have you really done anything? Have you tried fixing things? If you did, have you ever thought that things may have turned out differently?” If my inner self could slap me in the face, I would be a nasty bloody shade of red by now. My cheeks, hot and stinging.

And various other thoughts still run about in my head, along with a small desperate hope, a plea. That perhaps someday, should I find the courage to attempt to make amends and return. Would I be welcome again? Will I be forgiven and offered a second chance? I know it is too much to ask for, but those two questions remain in my being.

For some reason I want to cry…And I have said what the reason behind such wanting to cry was, though not directly. But then, even if these salty tears are spilled, nothing will change.

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“Do not fall into the trap of pretending everything is fine when you know it’s not.”

love, friends & insecurities

It’s been nearly two months and two weeks since my last relationship ended…Well, it’s not exactly a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but I guess you could still call it a relationship. It didn’t end well, since I was betrayed and he replaced me with a friend of mine. I was angry, but I didn’t cry cause I was actually more relieved that I’ve never given my heart to the likes of him.

And so, I went on with my life with the hopes of finding a new inspiration this semester. Call it weird, crazy or shallow, but I’ve been praying to have some hot, handsome and friendly transferee in school. I dunno, I just wanted a fresh change and some sort of new chance at love. And by some weird play of destiny, someone did come…I did meet someone like that at school when the second semester started. He was nice, friendly and from what I’ve seen during the time I spent with him, he had a lot of the characteristics I’ve been looking for in a guy.

I was ecstatic and enlivened. The sparkle came back to my eyes, cheery smiles upon my lips, the inspiration and excitement in my being, and it was all because of him.  I haven’t fallen in love but I was well on my way to doing so.

But every wish has its own drawbacks, every fairy tale has its end and eventually you’ll have to wake up to face reality after such a sweet night’s dream. I couldn’t have to my myself forever, and we were just friends in the first place. Eventually, a certain girl caught his eye, and he started including her in our group of friends.

Seeing her with him made me feel worthless, and even though I don’t want to admit it, they do seem more suited together than he and I will ever be. I know I shouldn’t be but she made me feel so insecure about myself because she seems to be the kind of girl he’d like. The kind of girl who would fuss about hair, clothes and stuff for hours on end. And I wasn’t anything like that nor would I ever be like that.

I don’t know if I should be depressed about losing a chance to have him because of that girl, or if I should be happy. Because seemingly perfect he might be, I know and I’ve seen sides of him, vices that I could never accept and that I doubt I could change in him even if we could be together.

Losing a friend is more painful than losing someone you like, so despite the  pain of remaining by his side, I’d rather have that than to lose him forever in  my life.

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“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else.”

500 Days of Summer

It was around past midnight, a couple of weeks ago, when I was conversing with one of my online acquaintances. He told me he watched it with his girlfriend, and it was really good.  That got me convinced to put the movie in my to-watch-list, but I wasn’t that eager to watch it yet. I was thinking that it must be good, but probably just another romance flick.

It wasn’t until it became the talk at school and among my friends that really got my curiousity piqued. So I started bugging my aunt to watch the movie with me. And then last night, she bought a DVD but I came home pretty late due to my theater rehearsals and so she watched it ahead of me.

It was only today that I got to watch it, I was alone but I didn’t care. haha, And so armed with a bag of chips, a tall glass of iced tea and a pillow to hug, I braced myself for the promised awesome movie.

The movie started out kind of confusing because of the constant flash backs and forwards, but I eventually got the hang of the story. And as I watched the film, I immediately saw myself in Tom’s shoes, especially since we experienced similar situations (although my relationship ended more quickly, without proper close and no friends thing after..lol)

Anyway, back to the story…I found it kind of amusing at first, it was sweet and touching. But the part where the “just friends” thing was flashed shocked me, but I still hoped that the two would get a happy ending. I yearned and watched, filled with anticipation with what will happen to Tom and Summer. But I was really astounded when I saw that Summer was getting married…to another guy. I totally did not see that coming O_O

But life is messed up, he and Summer were really not meant to be (just like me and that guy, lmao). It was so depressing, I could really empathize with Tom’s character, especially the parts where he was getting drunk and out of hand because of his misery.

Life and love, two things that just when I thought I was beginning to grasp and understand it, something will happen and I’ll end even more confused. lol

Anyway, regarding the movie again, I just thought that Mika’s song, Happy Ending, would be perfect for one of it’s tracks. Look it up and listen to it, it’s awesome.

“This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.”

— Happy Ending, Mika

dilemmas, dramas and sleepless nights

I’ve finally recovered from those terrible coughs and colds I had for nearly a week, and so I was finally able to go to school and enroll for the second semester.

It was my first time, since the semestral break started, to go out during the day. You see, I’ve somewhat turned into this vampire, I sleep at 5 am and wake up at 3am. I’ve gone pretty much nocturnal, haven’t seen the light of the sun for days. haha

And so yesterday, without even bothering to get any sleep, I ventured out into the open and braced myself for the crowd of students at school who are also getting themselves enrolled for the next semester. I was feeling really dizzy for various reasons: 1) lack of sleep; 2) the line was too long and I was getting hungry (I couldn’t leave else lose my spot in line, and I didn’t bring any food with me either); 3) the weather kept changing from being sunny to chilly.

After waiting for two hours in line, I was able to get my subjects. Then, I quickly went home during lunch break and filled my grumbling stomach. XD And when I returned to school, I was able to enroll quickly since there wasn’t any long lines. Thank God!

I would be happy dancing now, if not for this huge dilemma of mine. Since I went to school late, I wasn’t able to choose my block. The department head gave me block A, my friends are in block B. I couldn’t transfer since that block is already full. And so, I won’t be spending the semester with them! *sob* This is so depressing. I just hope my blockmates for this sem will be okay. sniff.

Oh well, I can’t do anything about it now. I’ll have to just deal with it and live with it. This is, after all, just one of life’s many adventures and surprises. haha

“Life is either daring adventure or nothing” — Helen Keller

ROBBED: someone broke into our house

My mom just called my grandmother a few minutes ago. (I’m living away from my mom and siblings and I’m currently residing with my grandma) Someone broke into our house, my siblings’ cellphones, PSPs and headsets were stolen. Thankfully, the computer (which was located in the hallway), important documents & other valuables weren’t pilfered and most importantly, nobody got hurt. My brother’s psp was next to him as he slept, I’m so relieved that the thief didn’t stab my brother or anything. During the time of the breaking in, my mom who is a light-sleeper was roused from her sleep by the ruckus caused by the thieves but she didn’t dare venture out of the bedroom knowing she would’ve just been stabbed or something, if she did.

As of now, we have no idea who broke into the house. though the knife used for the break-in i think, was left and hopefully that could serve as evidence and a clue in solving the crime. And God, I do hope that the thieves don’t return. I can’t go home right now and it’s not as if I could be of much help if I’m there since I’m a girl. This is so frustrating. gah. All I can do is pray for their safety. Please help me in praying for my family’s safety ;O;

The burden behind those smiles

Smiles. We make them, we see them, we feel them. But have you ever paused to think if whether those smiles that we see in our family, friends, acquaintances and the likes, are genuine or merely a facade?

I have. And I came across this quotation while I was browsing through various sites with that thought in mind.

“Some people wear their smiles like a disguise.. those that smile a lot, watch their eyes.”

—Unknown

Why did the quotation say that we should watch the eyes of those people who smile a lot? Because as the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul. You can see the real emotions of a person through his eyes, you can verify if whether his smiles are true or merely lies by observing their eyes.

There are people who choose to hide their sorrow, their burden and their troubles and instead, they act like everything’s alright, they act lively and jovial…they merely smile.

Various reasons can be attributed as to why such individuals conceal their real sentiments. Some, choose to grin  to put on a strong front, to show their family and friends that they are not affected by whatever is troubling them. Some choose to smile because for them, to smile and act like everything is alright, will help them forget about their problems. While others, smile because they would rather pretend than to show how they are truly feeling because they are afraid that if they do show their worries, the world would either pity or taunt them, and they want neither of those, so instead they smile.

These folks simply need someone to see behind the guise of their smiles, see their melancholy and burden. They need someone who will be willing to lend a helping hand, a comforting hug or maybe even just a morsel of their time to sit down and listen to their worries.

Look around you, these people who hide their sorrow behind cheerful smiles may be your best friend, your parent or sibling, your classmate, OR it could be you, the one who’s reading this.

“No more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth.  In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”

—Unknown

Time & Ends

Ah my dear friend and old foe, TIME, we meet again. You have always slowed and sped things up for me at the times I least expected or wanted it. Such is the case now. At first, the school semester seemed to drawl on so slowly, akin to the speed that of a snail. So slow that I could go about my meticulous ways without having the need to care about grasping onto the threads of time. Then all of a sudden, lo and behold the semester was quickly moving towards its end.

Endings and finales, no matter the situation, they always leave a bitter-sweet feeling that you would be reminiscing about in the days and years to come. Ah, the end of my first semester as a freshman. There will be classmates and professors I will not be spending with in the upcoming months. There will be experiences I can never have again, people I won’t be meeting again.

It saddens me, yes. Both time and the end of things, but if not for those, then I probably wouldn’t be valuing the people and the things I have in the same manner that I care for them right now. If not for time, then I wouldn’t be who I am today. If not for endings, there won’t be new beginnings.

Ah, I don’t think I’m making that much sense now. I’m sorry, I think my brain has turned to jelly after all those cramming and touching up on homework. Blah. The beginning of the final exams start in a few hours, wish me luck ;D

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“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be. Because you only have one life, and one chance to do all the things you want to do.” — Unknown

No progress & impending troubles

My week-long ‘vacation’ because of the suspension of classes due to the supertyphoon and it’s after-effects, did not make any fruitful progress for me. Save perhaps, for the creation & launching of this blog site, the start of a cosplay project and a few fan art drafts I began working on a few days ago.

*sigh*

I must fix this rather, lax mood of mine soon for there are impending troubles…finals week is coming up *shudders* And there are still tons of projects and workload at school to be done, and I haven’t started on a single one. Crap. I’ll be in HUGE TROUBLE if I don’t set things straight before it’s too late…it’s not yet too late now, is it? X_x

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LSS: Frozen – Within Temptation

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“Never long for anyone from your past, there is a reason why they never made it to your future.” — Unknown