For some reason, I want to cry…

For some reason, I want to cry…All this time I’ve been supressing these tears and fooling myself that I was glad to be rid of something that has played a big part in this new world I have ventured into. I’ve been lying to myself and denying these tears, just so the misery wouldn’t sink in so much. So I would not be reminded of the pain I should be feeling about leaving because of the feeling of being unwanted, unwelcome and unrightfully there.

I left, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Because of the irreparable things I’ve done, and what I’ve received….the lack of warmth and familial welcome feel, I had to leave lest things get worse than they are, lest I be called upon with attention only to be given notice that I had to leave.

Twas difficult of a decision to make, and I’ve thought about it a hundredth or so times, and still I could not deduce whether it was wrong or right.

And when the day I had to leave came, I was nothing but a coward, with a mere peek at the door, I whispered my farewell, and ran off. For fear of questioning, comments of which could be consolatory, degrading, or perhaps both, also the fear that I would spill my tears and look pitiful, though I would never ask of their pity. I was too much of a coward to face such things, and could do nothing but run.

Now, months had passed since the incident, and still I could feel the tears threatening to spill upon my cheeks. Memories reminding me of the pain, the fear, coldness and indifferent voices. And my conscience, my guilt, pushing the questions “Have you really done anything? Have you tried fixing things? If you did, have you ever thought that things may have turned out differently?” If my inner self could slap me in the face, I would be a nasty bloody shade of red by now. My cheeks, hot and stinging.

And various other thoughts still run about in my head, along with a small desperate hope, a plea. That perhaps someday, should I find the courage to attempt to make amends and return. Would I be welcome again? Will I be forgiven and offered a second chance? I know it is too much to ask for, but those two questions remain in my being.

For some reason I want to cry…And I have said what the reason behind such wanting to cry was, though not directly. But then, even if these salty tears are spilled, nothing will change.

____

“Do not fall into the trap of pretending everything is fine when you know it’s not.”

love, friends & insecurities

It’s been nearly two months and two weeks since my last relationship ended…Well, it’s not exactly a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but I guess you could still call it a relationship. It didn’t end well, since I was betrayed and he replaced me with a friend of mine. I was angry, but I didn’t cry cause I was actually more relieved that I’ve never given my heart to the likes of him.

And so, I went on with my life with the hopes of finding a new inspiration this semester. Call it weird, crazy or shallow, but I’ve been praying to have some hot, handsome and friendly transferee in school. I dunno, I just wanted a fresh change and some sort of new chance at love. And by some weird play of destiny, someone did come…I did meet someone like that at school when the second semester started. He was nice, friendly and from what I’ve seen during the time I spent with him, he had a lot of the characteristics I’ve been looking for in a guy.

I was ecstatic and enlivened. The sparkle came back to my eyes, cheery smiles upon my lips, the inspiration and excitement in my being, and it was all because of him.  I haven’t fallen in love but I was well on my way to doing so.

But every wish has its own drawbacks, every fairy tale has its end and eventually you’ll have to wake up to face reality after such a sweet night’s dream. I couldn’t have to my myself forever, and we were just friends in the first place. Eventually, a certain girl caught his eye, and he started including her in our group of friends.

Seeing her with him made me feel worthless, and even though I don’t want to admit it, they do seem more suited together than he and I will ever be. I know I shouldn’t be but she made me feel so insecure about myself because she seems to be the kind of girl he’d like. The kind of girl who would fuss about hair, clothes and stuff for hours on end. And I wasn’t anything like that nor would I ever be like that.

I don’t know if I should be depressed about losing a chance to have him because of that girl, or if I should be happy. Because seemingly perfect he might be, I know and I’ve seen sides of him, vices that I could never accept and that I doubt I could change in him even if we could be together.

Losing a friend is more painful than losing someone you like, so despite the  pain of remaining by his side, I’d rather have that than to lose him forever in  my life.

——–

“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else.”

500 Days of Summer

It was around past midnight, a couple of weeks ago, when I was conversing with one of my online acquaintances. He told me he watched it with his girlfriend, and it was really good.  That got me convinced to put the movie in my to-watch-list, but I wasn’t that eager to watch it yet. I was thinking that it must be good, but probably just another romance flick.

It wasn’t until it became the talk at school and among my friends that really got my curiousity piqued. So I started bugging my aunt to watch the movie with me. And then last night, she bought a DVD but I came home pretty late due to my theater rehearsals and so she watched it ahead of me.

It was only today that I got to watch it, I was alone but I didn’t care. haha, And so armed with a bag of chips, a tall glass of iced tea and a pillow to hug, I braced myself for the promised awesome movie.

The movie started out kind of confusing because of the constant flash backs and forwards, but I eventually got the hang of the story. And as I watched the film, I immediately saw myself in Tom’s shoes, especially since we experienced similar situations (although my relationship ended more quickly, without proper close and no friends thing after..lol)

Anyway, back to the story…I found it kind of amusing at first, it was sweet and touching. But the part where the “just friends” thing was flashed shocked me, but I still hoped that the two would get a happy ending. I yearned and watched, filled with anticipation with what will happen to Tom and Summer. But I was really astounded when I saw that Summer was getting married…to another guy. I totally did not see that coming O_O

But life is messed up, he and Summer were really not meant to be (just like me and that guy, lmao). It was so depressing, I could really empathize with Tom’s character, especially the parts where he was getting drunk and out of hand because of his misery.

Life and love, two things that just when I thought I was beginning to grasp and understand it, something will happen and I’ll end even more confused. lol

Anyway, regarding the movie again, I just thought that Mika’s song, Happy Ending, would be perfect for one of it’s tracks. Look it up and listen to it, it’s awesome.

“This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it’s forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.”

— Happy Ending, Mika

dilemmas, dramas and sleepless nights

I’ve finally recovered from those terrible coughs and colds I had for nearly a week, and so I was finally able to go to school and enroll for the second semester.

It was my first time, since the semestral break started, to go out during the day. You see, I’ve somewhat turned into this vampire, I sleep at 5 am and wake up at 3am. I’ve gone pretty much nocturnal, haven’t seen the light of the sun for days. haha

And so yesterday, without even bothering to get any sleep, I ventured out into the open and braced myself for the crowd of students at school who are also getting themselves enrolled for the next semester. I was feeling really dizzy for various reasons: 1) lack of sleep; 2) the line was too long and I was getting hungry (I couldn’t leave else lose my spot in line, and I didn’t bring any food with me either); 3) the weather kept changing from being sunny to chilly.

After waiting for two hours in line, I was able to get my subjects. Then, I quickly went home during lunch break and filled my grumbling stomach. XD And when I returned to school, I was able to enroll quickly since there wasn’t any long lines. Thank God!

I would be happy dancing now, if not for this huge dilemma of mine. Since I went to school late, I wasn’t able to choose my block. The department head gave me block A, my friends are in block B. I couldn’t transfer since that block is already full. And so, I won’t be spending the semester with them! *sob* This is so depressing. I just hope my blockmates for this sem will be okay. sniff.

Oh well, I can’t do anything about it now. I’ll have to just deal with it and live with it. This is, after all, just one of life’s many adventures and surprises. haha

“Life is either daring adventure or nothing” — Helen Keller

ROBBED: someone broke into our house

My mom just called my grandmother a few minutes ago. (I’m living away from my mom and siblings and I’m currently residing with my grandma) Someone broke into our house, my siblings’ cellphones, PSPs and headsets were stolen. Thankfully, the computer (which was located in the hallway), important documents & other valuables weren’t pilfered and most importantly, nobody got hurt. My brother’s psp was next to him as he slept, I’m so relieved that the thief didn’t stab my brother or anything. During the time of the breaking in, my mom who is a light-sleeper was roused from her sleep by the ruckus caused by the thieves but she didn’t dare venture out of the bedroom knowing she would’ve just been stabbed or something, if she did.

As of now, we have no idea who broke into the house. though the knife used for the break-in i think, was left and hopefully that could serve as evidence and a clue in solving the crime. And God, I do hope that the thieves don’t return. I can’t go home right now and it’s not as if I could be of much help if I’m there since I’m a girl. This is so frustrating. gah. All I can do is pray for their safety. Please help me in praying for my family’s safety ;O;

The burden behind those smiles

Smiles. We make them, we see them, we feel them. But have you ever paused to think if whether those smiles that we see in our family, friends, acquaintances and the likes, are genuine or merely a facade?

I have. And I came across this quotation while I was browsing through various sites with that thought in mind.

“Some people wear their smiles like a disguise.. those that smile a lot, watch their eyes.”

—Unknown

Why did the quotation say that we should watch the eyes of those people who smile a lot? Because as the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul. You can see the real emotions of a person through his eyes, you can verify if whether his smiles are true or merely lies by observing their eyes.

There are people who choose to hide their sorrow, their burden and their troubles and instead, they act like everything’s alright, they act lively and jovial…they merely smile.

Various reasons can be attributed as to why such individuals conceal their real sentiments. Some, choose to grin  to put on a strong front, to show their family and friends that they are not affected by whatever is troubling them. Some choose to smile because for them, to smile and act like everything is alright, will help them forget about their problems. While others, smile because they would rather pretend than to show how they are truly feeling because they are afraid that if they do show their worries, the world would either pity or taunt them, and they want neither of those, so instead they smile.

These folks simply need someone to see behind the guise of their smiles, see their melancholy and burden. They need someone who will be willing to lend a helping hand, a comforting hug or maybe even just a morsel of their time to sit down and listen to their worries.

Look around you, these people who hide their sorrow behind cheerful smiles may be your best friend, your parent or sibling, your classmate, OR it could be you, the one who’s reading this.

“No more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth.  In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”

—Unknown

Time & Ends

Ah my dear friend and old foe, TIME, we meet again. You have always slowed and sped things up for me at the times I least expected or wanted it. Such is the case now. At first, the school semester seemed to drawl on so slowly, akin to the speed that of a snail. So slow that I could go about my meticulous ways without having the need to care about grasping onto the threads of time. Then all of a sudden, lo and behold the semester was quickly moving towards its end.

Endings and finales, no matter the situation, they always leave a bitter-sweet feeling that you would be reminiscing about in the days and years to come. Ah, the end of my first semester as a freshman. There will be classmates and professors I will not be spending with in the upcoming months. There will be experiences I can never have again, people I won’t be meeting again.

It saddens me, yes. Both time and the end of things, but if not for those, then I probably wouldn’t be valuing the people and the things I have in the same manner that I care for them right now. If not for time, then I wouldn’t be who I am today. If not for endings, there won’t be new beginnings.

Ah, I don’t think I’m making that much sense now. I’m sorry, I think my brain has turned to jelly after all those cramming and touching up on homework. Blah. The beginning of the final exams start in a few hours, wish me luck ;D

——–

“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be. Because you only have one life, and one chance to do all the things you want to do.” — Unknown

No progress & impending troubles

My week-long ‘vacation’ because of the suspension of classes due to the supertyphoon and it’s after-effects, did not make any fruitful progress for me. Save perhaps, for the creation & launching of this blog site, the start of a cosplay project and a few fan art drafts I began working on a few days ago.

*sigh*

I must fix this rather, lax mood of mine soon for there are impending troubles…finals week is coming up *shudders* And there are still tons of projects and workload at school to be done, and I haven’t started on a single one. Crap. I’ll be in HUGE TROUBLE if I don’t set things straight before it’s too late…it’s not yet too late now, is it? X_x

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LSS: Frozen – Within Temptation

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“Never long for anyone from your past, there is a reason why they never made it to your future.” — Unknown

Seventeen & Thank You

Half an hour after midnight I lounged here on my bed, my mind abuzz with various thoughts as I work on this blog post. And amongst that sea of thoughts, there are two thoughts that clearly sticks out like a sore thumb….1) Hooray! Today is my birthday; and 2)Damnit, I’m another year older.

LOL.

And so here I am thinking of seventeen reasons to be happy about my birthday (and not grumble about adding another digit to my age.)haha

17 reasons to be thankful I’m now 17

1.) God gave me the chance to live and reach this age, 17. Not all people live to see that age.

2.) God gave me to my loving parents and so 17 years ago, I was born on a Saturday afternoon, at exactly 3:35 pm, healthy and without any complications.

3.) God had given me a loving and caring family in my 17 years of living.

4.) God had given me the opportunity to learn and experience so many things for 17 years and still counting.

5.) God had allowed me to travel to various places, and the luxury of living in some of them, in my 17 years on this earth.

6.) God had given me the chance to meet a lot of people who helped shape me to become who I am today now at 17 years of age.

7.) If God had not allowed me to live to 17, then I probably wouldn’t have had the friends I have now who are always there for me, in good times and in bad times.

8.) God had permitted me to reach 17 years of age, seventeen years to be hooked to and getting more hooked each day to anime and manga. Yes, I count that as a reason to be happy. Don’t argue it’s my birthday today. haha

9.) God had allowed me to learn words and phrases from more than 17 different languages in my 17 years here on this world. Don’t you dare ask me to recite such words and phrases and specify what language cause boy, I can’t remember them all. haha

10.) I’m pretty sure I’ve tried out more than 17 different kinds of chocolates, ice cream flavors , cake flavors and candies And being a sugar-holic, knowing that makes me extremely happy. So thank you God, I have lived for 17 years in this sweet world.

11.) God had given me the chance to live to 17 and discover the talents and abilities He had given me.

12.) God had allowed me to exist for 17 years to be with my family and friends.

13.) God had permitted for me to live for 17 years and learn about the internet where, not only did I learn about so many things and had fun, but met people who have played a big part in my life.

14.) God had given me so many opportunities in these 17 years, to express and share to others the talents and abilities that He gave me.

15.) God had allowed me to live for 17 years and become part of other people’s lives. Be it as family, a friend or acquaintance.

16.) God had granted me the chance to reach 17 along with the chance to become a better person.

17.) God had given me the chance to live 17 years and still counting, to bring people closer to Him.

I know not all of the reasons I listed have made sense to y’all but really, those are the reasons why I’m thankful I reached this age, 17. haha. Happy Birthday to me!

thank you God. Thank you to my family, friends, online family, classmates, batchmates, upperclassmen, orgmates, professors, teachers, acquaintances…everyone who has been part of my 17 years here on earth. I would not be who I am today with you all. Thank you so much! Cheers! ;]

“The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity.”

Here comes another…

In less than 24 hours, it is expected that a category 5 supertyphoon, Pepeng (international name ‘Parma’), will hit the Philippines.It has only been less than a week since the previous typhoon, Ondoy (international name ‘Ketsana’) struck the country, taking countless lives, destroying thousands of houses and livelihood along its wake. The victims, our fellowmen, have barely begun to recover and start anew and yet here comes another storm.

As of my last update from the news, Pepeng has not yet made its landfall. So please, join us in prayer that Pepeng will take a different course and so thousands of lives and properties will be spared from this impending calamity.