love, friends & insecurities

It’s been nearly two months and two weeks since my last relationship ended…Well, it’s not exactly a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but I guess you could still call it a relationship. It didn’t end well, since I was betrayed and he replaced me with a friend of mine. I was angry, but I didn’t cry cause I was actually more relieved that I’ve never given my heart to the likes of him.

And so, I went on with my life with the hopes of finding a new inspiration this semester. Call it weird, crazy or shallow, but I’ve been praying to have some hot, handsome and friendly transferee in school. I dunno, I just wanted a fresh change and some sort of new chance at love. And by some weird play of destiny, someone did come…I did meet someone like that at school when the second semester started. He was nice, friendly and from what I’ve seen during the time I spent with him, he had a lot of the characteristics I’ve been looking for in a guy.

I was ecstatic and enlivened. The sparkle came back to my eyes, cheery smiles upon my lips, the inspiration and excitement in my being, and it was all because of him.  I haven’t fallen in love but I was well on my way to doing so.

But every wish has its own drawbacks, every fairy tale has its end and eventually you’ll have to wake up to face reality after such a sweet night’s dream. I couldn’t have to my myself forever, and we were just friends in the first place. Eventually, a certain girl caught his eye, and he started including her in our group of friends.

Seeing her with him made me feel worthless, and even though I don’t want to admit it, they do seem more suited together than he and I will ever be. I know I shouldn’t be but she made me feel so insecure about myself because she seems to be the kind of girl he’d like. The kind of girl who would fuss about hair, clothes and stuff for hours on end. And I wasn’t anything like that nor would I ever be like that.

I don’t know if I should be depressed about losing a chance to have him because of that girl, or if I should be happy. Because seemingly perfect he might be, I know and I’ve seen sides of him, vices that I could never accept and that I doubt I could change in him even if we could be together.

Losing a friend is more painful than losing someone you like, so despite the  pain of remaining by his side, I’d rather have that than to lose him forever in  my life.

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“One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, loving someone else.”

~ by endlessnightmares on November 28, 2009.